THE BIG RETORT

Andy Clarke, the rabidly rugger-mad chief executive of ASDA, lists ‘being a people person‘ amongst his top tips. It is this dealing directly with the shopper that catapulted the 17 year-old shelf stacker in Grantham to an “all together better” - is it really? - stewardship on the top rung of the Walmart retail ladder. However when a question was put to chief executive Andy on the racial profiling of his customers, there ASDA be silence. TheBigRetort T he new ASDA customer-friendly store in Deptford High Street is said to be one of the smallest London retail stores. However, part of the retail group's ‘southern strategy‘, I was impressed with its size and space which gives the shopper the impression of the freedom to roam the aisles. Unfortunately it was a freedom that was not reserved for all its customers. As I made my way through the exit the guard stopped me, abruptly, and demanded - quite loudly - to look inside my Morrison's bag for life. Why...

Now that NASA has discovered water on Mars it is actually forbidden to land its craft and astronauts anywhere near it. Which rather defeats the object. What if you have a thirsty crew in search of life as we know it? Or in search of life as we don't? Surely the rules will be bent enough to ensure that NASA boots may boldly go - yes go boldly -  where other boots have already gone before; right on the head of a little green Martian. The Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space, including the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies, was drafted in the late 1960s and signed by those nations interested in the preservation of celestial bodies via non-contamination. The Treaty declares: "States shall avoid harmful contamination of space and celestial bodies." So what is 'harmful' in this context that wasn't in any other. Think Mars rovers that have already driven across the not-so arid soil? Thereby ensuring...

  Saturday, March 08, 07:30 AM. MH370 ‘lost contact’ with Subang Air Traffic Control at 2.40am. The B777-200 aircraft departed Kuala Lumpur at 12.41am . It was expected to land in Beijing at 6.30am that same day. The flight was carrying 227 passengers (including 2 infants), and 12 crew members. Malaysia Airlines activated its Search and Rescue team to locate the aircraft.  Saturday, March 08, 09:05AM MYT +0800 Malaysia Airlines issued its 2nd Media Statement following the above, it read in part:   The passengers were of 13 different nationalities. "Malaysia Airlines is currently working with the authorities who have activated their Search and Rescue team to locate the aircraft. Our team is currently calling the next-of-kin of passengers and crew. Focus of the airline is to work with the emergency responders and authorities and mobilize its full support." Saturday, March 08, 10:30 AM MYT - 3rd Media Statement.   There was speculation that ...

THE car parking space at Intu Bromley shopping precinct was tight. As I pulled in the passenger side mirror to leave enough room for the other driver to exit, I scuffed the left front tyre of my car on the post base which protruded out. A silly design actually. To exit I had to shuffle across to the passenger seat as the other car was too far over. But I made sure that the Hackney cab, which was not black due to the ad emblazoned across it, had enough room via its passenger side door. My twelve-year-old daughter had an iPad and one of the speakers had been playing up for months. At the Apple Store the staff were incredible. A diagnostics confirmed that the speaker was faulty and not up to its high standards. Rather than send the iPad off to be repaired, which was my daughter's fear, Apple changed it for a brand new one. We were delighted! We stopped off at KFC for a snack, popped into HMV for a movie - Captain Phillips, starring Tom Hanks, and Waterstones ...

It was reported in February 1945, that it was the wettest February since 1936. [Evening Telegraph - Saturday 17 March 1945.] In 1936 it was the wettest March ‘for 35 years’ in Scotland. [Evening Telegraph - Tuesday 31 March 1936.] Whilst records taken at the Meteorological Office at Kew recorded the wettest February since 1900. [Aberdeen Journal - Friday 02 March 1923.] The weather report for February 1900 recorded that it was 'the wettest in 25 years'. [Worcestershire Chronicle - Saturday 10 March 1900.] Know where this is headed? If not read on... In Bristol in 1876, William Denning recorded the wettest February - 2.874 inches of rain ‘in excess of the average‘ fell. [Birmingham Daily Post - Saturday 04 March 1876.]It comes as no surprise therefore, that, at Chelmsford in 1848 it was the wettest February for 20 years. [Chelmsford Chronicle - Friday 24 March 1848.] Not surprisingly, it was also the wettest in 20 years Manchester too. [Which may suggest tha...

For some movie investors in the past the theatrical box office was the primary place to gain a healthy dollar's return on an investment. But does it really matter that Keanu Reeves’ new film 47 RONIN failed to put bums on seats in its opening weekend? TheBigRetort says: No. Because it's all about loyalty... and patience A theatrical release is no longer the primary source of income for a new movie - the additional returns from which lasts for decades not weekends. The opening weekend results are the predictors on which the ‘book value’ of the asset is judged. The returns to the original (primary) investors over a future finite period are predicted from this. But the release weekend of a movie alone does not indicate its eventual losses - or gains, surely? - just the cash flow back into risky investor pockets in a small time frame. For every dollar returned they apparently need to see 25% - plus! Which, let’s face it, is not a bad rate of return for anyone‘s dim...

We thought the ad makers at Omega were winding us up when we saw the recent ad for one of its watches in the Times online; which boasted, incorrectly: “IN 1969 OMEGA DEFIED ZERO GRAVITY GOING TO THE MOON” “IN 2013 OMEGA DEFIES MAGNETIC FILEDS (sic) ON EARTH” Of course we know that Buz Aldrin did wear an Omega on the Moon. But what were the magnetic ‘fileds’ it was defying in 2013? Erm, no such word seemed to exist in the English language? Ooer! We had this weird investigative tick in our heads: ‘fields‘ it said. We contacted Omega via email to give its marketing department a quick ticking off, after all this was in The Times. Unfortunately it was Christmas - and with little time on its hands, get it? - Omega didn't have a moment to spare in fielding a 'timely' response. Enuff with the puns already! Bet they must be going cuckoo in Switzerland.