THE BIG RETORT

Set dressers on the new Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie returning after a weekend off received a bit of a shock... the Nazis had disappeared from Berlin. Valkyrie is centered around the attempted assassination of Adolph Hitler, with Cruise in the role of Claus von Stauffenberg, later executed for attempting to kill the Fuhrer with two suitcase bombs in 1944. [We're not giving anything away as this is based on a real events. Hitler dies in the end, and the 1000-year Reich perished after just 12 years.) An insider informed the beleaguered set dressers that the images of the Third Reich had not been stolen but were ordered down 'by some one on high'. Apparently a wedding reception had taken place over the weekend in a hotel opposite the set. Searching for a bit of lebensraum the bride and groom accompanied by their entourage (all Jews) ambled out on to the terrace to take in all the sights Berlin had to offer. Nein! Nein! Nein! Greeted by their worst nightmare they fled back inside...

TheBigRetort strange but true series continues with a chilling tale of child abduction. It also reads as a bizarre prequel to the mysterious disappearance of Madeleine McCann, and reveals a father's startling sixth sense. Not too long ago, somewhere in the UK, a schoolchild inexplicably vanished off the face of the earth. As in the Algarve case, the girl disappeared mysteriously, without trace, leaving police and public totally perplexed. However, fortunately, this did not turn out to be a smoke-and-mirrors investigation -or a whodunit leading nowhere - because there was a single witness. Police say that's all it takes. A man out walking his dog recalled seeing a white van going up and down a lane. He told police that it was constantly retracing its steps, almost as if the driver was searching for something. Or should that be someone? Police did not have much to go on but they realised that they may have a potential serious child abduction on their hands. Unlike police in the...

A NEW LAW WHICH HAS LAIN UNDISCOVERED FOR YEARS CAN NOW BE USED AS THE LATEST TOOL IN THE FIGHT AGAINST SELFISH PARKING... thanks to TheBigRetort . Many London drivers may not realise it but since September 2004 the London Local Authorities and Transport for London Act has enabled local authorities to issue Penalty Charge Notices (PCNs) to cars parked unlawfully across driveways. TheBigRetort calls it SimplySelfishParking. And yes, as Bill said to Monica, it's a mouthful... But the new law looks set to bring much-needed respite to beleaguered driveway 'barons'. London based councils' also look set to expand their coffers by £££s with dropped kerb penalties (DKPs) as part of their stealth-tax portfolio$. Be that as it may, when TheBigRetort found its driveway blocked, we quoted the law to the law - and those boys in blue serge didn't even realise it existed. In fact, when TheBigRetort initially reported a naughty parker (NP) to the Yard an armed response unit fai...

WHEN A DOCTOR PRESCRIBED A CHOLESTORAL-LOWERING WONDERDRUG UNUSUAL MUSCLE STIFFNESS FOLLOWED... BE WARNED . “Don't suppose we can put you down as Asian can we," he asked, pen hovering over medical report. The doctor had a little box to tick... Statins damage Asians more than any other ethnic group. Fortunately, as a compilation of African-Cherokee-American-Irish-Welsh - and Englishman - TheBigRetort investigator did not have to fill in a box marked "mongrel". (He prefers "hybrid".) “Only... there isn't a box for someone with your, err, ethnicity. Asians… well…they can only take half the dosage. I suppose it’s alright, isn’t it… ?” He was certainly convinced of our reporter's "ethnicity". 'I'll just put Asian shall I," the doctor ended Shipman-like. "Err... Can I phone a friend?" was the only response to that. Chronic aches and pains followed. Accompanied by numbness, weakness, confusion, fatigue, shortness of breath...

“We find that whole communities suddenly fix their minds upon one object, and go mad in its pursuit; that millions of people become simultaneously impressed with one delusion and run after it, till their attention is caught by some new folly more captivating than the first.” In reading the history of nations these words of Charles Mackay, a former Victorian editor, were a preface to the 1852 edition of his book, EXTRAORDINARY POPULAR DELUSIONS AND THE MADNESS OF CROWDS Amazingly written as far back as 1841, it revealed how easily the masses follow ‘moral epidemics’ and how ‘imitative and gregarious men’ truly are; the Crusades (1096–1291), Tulip Mania (1636–37), Witch Mania (1668-1676), the Mississippi Scheme (1717), the South-Sea Bubble (1720) - Scotsman Mackay concluded - were all delusions . In fact Mackay’s “Extraordinary Delusions” might have become yet another weighty tome gathering dust on a shelf at the British Library, until we started turning its pages. The book is a clarion ...

EXT PARIS HOTEL… Just past midnight, a grainy image captured on a security camera reveals Henri Paul, hotel security officer: He signals towards two men waiting on a scooter... later identified as paparazzi Around the front of the hotel, other "ratz" (surely) and onlookers wait expectantly; not realising that around the back of the hotel a conspiracy is underway; Henri has been paid to tip someone off. Million-franc shot with killer headlines: "PRINCESS AND PLAYBOY RUN RITZ RATZ" But the photo-first does not go to plan… and the headline becomes somewhat different. The photograph of the backs of two heads do not make scandalous viewing, nor the shot of a bodyguard… and smiling accomplice “Henri”. EXT PARIS STREET… the Ratz pursue the Mercedes. Driver Henri is not affected by a couple of drinks. But then… his master in back is screaming faster! and the two Ratz (who will pay handsomely) are screaming slower! Henri should follow his master’s command… Only there's d...

Concerns for Amy Winehouse and other “rehab celebs” brings to mind the Priory Hospital and NHS treatment for stars. I was first tipped off about the junkie-star-scam a number of years ago. All hush hush of course...  It was a passing comment that held my interest. The Priory Hospital, where the former 'vet' held a senior position,  apparently regularly played host to ' stars whose treatment was subsidised wholly or in part by the NHS' . Stars on Soash..? No. No. No.