Cheryl Cole: American X Factor

Have we been subjected to the S-factor? With reports in the Daily Mail that Cheryl Cole has been invited back on board X-Factor USA one wonders if the whole thingy was a complete set-up - masterminded by non other than that Svengali of the Tabs Lord Cowall of Hollywood.

One can but wonder how the sheeple out there fall for Simon Cowell's shenanigins.

But my how that angst-ridden look that Cheryl Cole seems to have perfected this week really hacks us off.

Is this the same woman who subjected wannabe hopefuls in Britain to her ‘professional’ judgement on that dreadful show that deserves no further mention?  We mean... the X Factor. (Break that one down like this, X-F-Actor, and add the seven missing  letters accordingly to the "F".)

There is nothing worse than a young woman, now a multimillionaire, beautiful yes, and spoon-fed success too, collapsing at the first signs of personal failure.

Don’t have her back Simon!

TheBigRetort: Failure is good. Success sucks.

Gaddafi welcomed UN Terror Council Intervention... in 2009

My how the sands of time 'flies' for dictators. It was after all only two years ago that Muammar Gaddafi, marking the 40th anniversary of the revolution which brought him to power, three weeks later addressed the 64th United Nations General Assembly at the UN headquarters in New York. TheBigRetort...

Since the world body was founded in 1945, the Libyan dictator opined, it had ‘failed’ to prevent or intervene in dozens of wars around the world. "It should not be called the Security Council, it should be called the "terror council," he said.

He claimed that sixty-five ‘aggressive wars’ had taken place without any collective action by the United Nations to prevent them...

Now, with the writing on the walls of his Bedouin tent, and intervention in his own internecine war growing daily, he must rue those words.

Failure this time around the UN terror council tells him, is not an option.

Strauss-Kahn: Who he really?

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is he?

It has been claimed that Dominique Strauss-Kahn (note the hyphenated surname) is the well-to-do son of Gilbert and Jacqueline Strauss-Kahn...?

Be that as it may, TheBigRetort can reveal in a recent genealogical trawl of birth records... no such named individuals can be found. It is almost as Mr Strauss-Kahn is sans verifiable famille. 

No reports appear in a Google press search with regards to this nobodies' boy prior to 1991. Could there be a glitch in the Google time machinery? Is it because his real name is actually Giacomo Girolamo Casanova de Seingalt?

TheBigRetort can reveal that he may be neither a Strauss-Kahn nor a Casonova, just simply a "Kahn" - or some other? - in which case the American authorities should be equally interested.

An inconsistency in the defendant's  pedigree may prove embarrassing to his defence team, and to the French electorate.

Watch this space....  

Union Leader's Phone Hacked: Transcript

A transcript of a message left on the mobile phone of Bob Crow reveals for the first time that the Union leader has been hacked... by the News of the World.

Forwarded to us by the Metropolitan Police, it reads:

CROW: "Nobby here. Leave a message." [Beep.]

THE BIG RETORT: "Hello, Mr Crow. Is it true that you are England's number one striker?"

Christopher Jefferies? Vincent Tabak? YES, IT COULD BE YOU!

Will there, one wonders, be any quarry stone left unturned with the public‘s right to know - in a dwindling band of countries abbreviated to the first letter - the surname of a person suspected of a crime?

‘Landlord, Dutchman, presumed innocent - until such time as a jury has fully deliberated - we hereby sentence you…err, with just one sentence.’

If there were ever any ethical rules in journalism then the Joanna Yeates murder suspects’ show trial suggests they may need a little spit and polish.

The recent grotesque phenomenon of national newspapers falling over themselves to name names does not have its beginnings in the McCarthy era, no sir. It is a new brand of ‘netfluenced’ journalism, the kind where the guilt or innocence of a suspect - or even the near bystander for that matter - are now so often deliberated on internet crime forums that democracies the world over no longer have control over what was once fondly termed a fair trial by peers. And national newspapers are tripping over dead bodies to beat them too, M‘lud!

In many of these armchair crime sites (where one’s peers’ sit in judgement of the privacy and rights of the citizen reduced to suspect) ‘presumed‘ innocent in the eyes of the law is one legal sentence that caves under the weight of a very common gossip.

Now, in the 21st Century, it is ‘online‘ inside unseen walls that the rights of the individual are hung, drawn and quartered in the stocks of cyberspace for all just men (and women) to mock, and they do so salaciously and with impunity.

One of the more bookish of such sites is websleuths.com. Here, internet detectives - some may call them ghouls - ponder over the likely guilt of an array of citizenry; whose only crime - in many instances it must be said - is to be unfortunate enough to be in close proximity to an equally unfortunate cadaver. Dirty fingernails? Blue rinse? Sinister smile? Yer guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

In fact these web-based anonymous finger pointers, whose postings are usually over the verge of libellous, indicate a need for a new breed of lawyer, one employed solely to defend the accused who stands in a cyber courtroom of innuendo: Rumpole of the old global computing network be upstanding in court!

In fact, if this does not happen soon the job will be left to web-based sleuths whose ‘brief’ seems to be to argue, not the beyond a shadow of a doubt guilt, but the hunch. And so anyone found guilty may be executed. But only in cyberspace, Your Honour!

We have all entered a digital age when a suspect will forever be held in penury in the gossipy walls of prison internet. We must all beware. We may all be upstanding in court.

The statin fad: F-forget A-anger and D-depression

When TheBigRetort conducted an investigation into the increased use of statins in its office diet, it came up with a forgetful medical profession, and one possibly - how shall we put this? - in denial.

Having heard that the use of statins may bring possible side effects in some users we asked a number of doctors if the drug was all it was cracked out to be.  Here, for the first time, is our explosive retort. And it is not for the faint hearted.

Me: Doctor, I keep forgetting things. I wonder... could it have anything to do with... these statins you've had me on?

Doctor: (smirking): I've never heard that before. What utter nonsense!

Me: Really?

Doctor: (laughing) Complete!

Me: (Pause) How about these bloody aches and pains I've been getting!!

Doctor: No need to be so aggressive.

Me: Sorry, it's the Statins.

Doctor: (smirking): Never heard such a silly suggestion since I started medicine last week. Statins making you aggressive - won't wash with the judge.

Me: I am a bit depressed of late too. I wonder, could it be...?

Doctor: Surely you're not blaming the Statins for your glass being half full, man! (Rolling about laughing.) I've never heard such rubbish! Stop being miserable, pull yourself together, and keep taking the stats! You'll live forever. Methuselah took 'em!

Me: What's the use of living forever if you don't remember who you are?

Doctor:  Surely you're not blaming the Statins for your memory loss too! Next you'll be telling me that the Statin advice leaflet actually says that between 1 in 10 and 1 in 100 patients  may get the following possible side effects: headache, stomach pain, constipation, feeling sick, muscle pain,  feeling weak, and or dizziness?

Me: Err... it does.

Doctor: Rubbish! Neither is there an additional 'rare' side effect that may affect between 1 in 1000 and 1 in 10,0000 patients!  Muscle damage! Severe allergic reaction! Inflamed Pancreas! Increase in liver enzymes in the blood! All tosh!. Next you'll be claiming that Statins also have very rare - possible - side effects in one in 10,000 patients.

(There's a thought... He has ten thousand patients which is probably why I have to book an appointment three years in advance.)

Me: But it says so in the, err, leaflet?

Doctor: What leaflet?

Me: The leaflet you have to read before taking the drug...?

Doctor: I haven't read the leaflet. Too busy. But others come here complaining of jaundice, hepatitis, numbness - tosh I say to that! I've no time for reading leaflets. I'm too busy being invited to seminars, in hot countries, with lovely sandy beaches, and five star hotels, drinks on tap, all paid for by the Statin manufacturers.

Me: Err, doctor..?

Doctor: Yes?

Me: Why am I here?

Jo Yeates: Dutch suspect's new life in England

VINCENT TABAK

The new suspect arrested following the murder of Joanna Yeates wrote of starting a new life in England.

Thirty-two year-old Vincent Tabak was born to the son of Gerald and Sonja Tabak in 1978 in Veghel in the neighborhood of Eindhoven.

In 1996 he studied at the faculty of Architecture, Building, and Planning at the Eindhoven University of Technology.

He graduated in 2003 from the group Design Systems obtaining the degree of Master of Science.

He worked as a people flow analyst for Buro Happold, a multi-disciplinary engineering consultancy in Bath.

The five-year thesis he completed in 2008 was dedicated to his friends, his extended family (via his sisters), girlfriend, and his father who died following an 'ongoing struggle with illness'. His son wrote in acknowledgement of his passing: ‘I miss you and regret that you are not able to see the end result of my PhD.’

After completing his PhD, in 2008, Vincent started what he termed his 'new life in England'.