Statement of Sir Ian Blair - Met Commissioner

TheBigRetort has always found calls for the resignation of the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police to be unwarranted.

If heads should roll they should fall lower down the ranks.

However, it was part of Sir Ian's statement to the press following calls for his resignation that pricked our ears.

Sir Ian ended his statement, with the following - curious? - paragraph:

"A report published this morning also revealed that none of the 17 members of the public on board the train recalled hearing officers shout "armed police" prior to killing Mr de Menezes, even though all eight police in the carriage claimed they had."

The question is why the Commissioner needs us to know this.

Glenda Jackson's boobs

TheBigRetort exposé reveals how the former movie star and MP for Hampstead and Highgate has displayed her boobs in the past... both of them.

Glenda Jackson MP does not do flesh. Instead, as soon as she opened the door and we entered the room she turned her back and then waved imperiously towards two seats. It was after all her "surgery". [A misnomer if ever... the description lends itself to the medical profession Glenda.]


I am here with the owner of a bar styled Brondes Age. A popular venue situated on the Kilburn High Road, as a result, with its ambiance and music, owner "Brian" had created one of the must check-out places in NW6. But small business landlord Spacia look set to demolish that dream.

Brian desperately needed his MP's help.

Enter Glenda Jackson - in the flesh - breathing heavily. I had strongly disagreed with her about Brian’s chances of success, because of this she appeared to get more than a little annoyed.

"You WILL lose! You have NOT got a chance! You WILL LOSE! You can do anything you like but YOU WILL LOSE!" Rigor mortise set across her face in what was possibly a grin.

Apparently Spacia had a right under the shorthold tenancy agreement to demand Brian vacate the premises, following which Brondes Age would be torn down, which seemed like a gross irresponsibility - and a crime against the community. The building would be rebuilt, with flats above it, and Brondes Age would be totally rebuilt - then let for a higher rent. Brian could have first refusal of course, but the date of the rebuild and the rental costs were uncertain...

For all his hard graft, Brian would face ruin whilst Spacia would profit through its property windfall.

But Glenda did not see it that way... she shrugged. It was not her problem: "You must have known when you took the tenancy on that this could happen!”

"Yes, but--"

--"You will lose!” She cut Brian off.

“What are you doing!” she enquired as she peered over her desk at me.

I was taking notes. "Writing," I said.

“Writing what…!” MP Jackson turned to me and screamed.

“What you say.” I gulped. She seemed angry.

“Well don’t! Put that pen down!” She held my gaze like a banshee. "I’ll let you know what I have said!" she roared imperiously.

I put my pen and notepad away… Years previous I had dreamt of taking more than her words down.

Brian and I sat and listened. YOU WILL LOSE... We were ushered out. YOU WILL LOSE. She obviously enjoyed the mantra. YOU WILL LOSE.

The last time I had seen Glenda in the flesh she stood some thirty feet tall, was bollock naked, and had nipples like two headlights full beam. She was also breathing heavily… but not at me. [The movie was titled Women in Love. Too young to see it, I had 'bunked' into the cinema.]

‘We’ll see,” I said, and added, "Thanks... for your... help."

I offered Glenda my hand. She looked at it curiously as if it was contaminated… She took it, gingerly, and shook it limply, then closed the door.

Of course MPs are always right. Obviously Brian lost his battle. Obviously Brondes Age was demolished... obviously.

Only it wasn't.

Because Glenda Jackson had displayed two very large boobs that day. Sorry, I mean "boobies".

Six months later, having ignored her assertions, and having conducted our own "surgery", Spacia sold out to Brian... and Brondes Age survived.
http://www.brondesage.com/

Bully TV

In the world in which we live there is an argument that bullying can be a useful tool.

Kelvin Mackenzie, the former newspaper editor and blowtorch of reasoned debate, claims that forceful motivation – renamed in this liberal age - is an absolute must.

Kelvin bullies his employees, but only if they are at a certain level - bullying across the board and not unproductive and demotivating bullying down.

According to Kelvin – and he is presumably not alone in this - bullying is what keeps us ahead of the global productivity game, without it we will whither on the global vine. But do bullies exist purely in the playground and boardroom, or can they be found in other strands of our society? And are we, as Kelvin MacKenzie may claim, simply mistaking forceful motivation for bullying?

The answer must surely be No... With our current obsession with such shows as The Apprentice, Big Brother, X Factor, Hell’s Kitchen… we are in fact officially a bully nation

Take Dragons’ Den…

The show originated in Japan... Owned by Sony, the format consists of entrepreneurs pitching for investment finance from five of the nation’s top venture capitalists – Dragons – who effectively bully but rarely invest. (The BBC admits that many deals ultimately fall through.)

Theo Paphitis, likes to snort and sneer like a cheeky schoolboy standing on the sidelines whilst the chief bully gets underway; in this instance the chief bully is us.

Peter Jones, the school monitor who manages to be both present and absent – until the last moment when he finally makes a snide appearance and sticks the boot in.

Duncan Bannatyne, the millionaire ice-cream salesman who can hand over a 99-er with a knowing stare.

Deborah Meaden, a dragon if ever, the head girl with a face of thunder that looks as if she repeatedly slaps it with a wet kipper just to get ‘that look’.

New dragon James Caan, who is rather a nice chap for the moment… but just you wait and see...you'll get a bunch of fives instead of fivers.

And that leads me to Richard Farleigh, former Dragon and tech wizard from Oz who, instead of breathing fire, was a man bereft of the bully gene, gently chiding entrepreneurs for their presentation, helpfully pointing out the flaws in each invention or business plan, the thinking man’s Dragon.

Could this be why the producers of the show turned on him?

Apparently Farleigh was booted off the show because they wanted to see an ethnic face on “Dragon”. An antipodean not fitting the ethnic bill, his was not a case of bullying, but out-and-out New-Brit racism. One can almost imagine the brainstorming sessions in the aptly named White City where the BBC has its HQ… Asians are good businessmen we must go Asian.

Nothing against James Caan personally (seems a nice bloke actually) but bring back Richard Farleigh.

Suggestions for next BBC Dragons' Den script meeting: Theo’s seat is always vacant, so ditch the Cyp thereby saving his kids' inheritance, keep the Asian, but - above all - bring back Oz.

Buy the T-shirt now!

[Note... A Sunday Mirror investigation into Dragon’s Den revealed 13 of nineteen contestants on the show promised cash never received it. The total amount unpaid came to £1.9m. However, before going to this site please see a biteback comment left on TheBigRetort... it seems that there are two sides to this tale and even a Dragon can choose the wrong business partner. http://www.sundaymirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=17762194&method=full&siteid=62484&headline=dragons--con-name_page.html]

Fatal Shooting: MET guilty

The Metropolitan Police has been found guilty of breaching health and safety laws over the fatal shooting of Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes.

Mr de Menezes was shot seven times by officers at Stockwell Tube station. He was mistaken for failed suicide bomber Hussain Osman.

The jury convicted the force on the second day of its deliberations. It was fined £175,000 in addition to £385,000 costs by trial judge Mr Justice Henriques.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair was in court to hear the verdict.

The jury cleared the operation commander Cressida Dick attaching, ‘no personal culpability’.

The family of Jean Charles de Menezes pledged that they would not rest in their fight for justice and said they were awaiting a "full and thorough" inquest.

Heather Mills-McCartney

PRIOR to and during her tempestuous relationship Heather Mills-McCartney (seen in the photo left with Sir Paul) often danced with the devil - usually in the form of a journalist. But as they danced the lady should have noticed that her partner had a camera in one hand and a pen and paper in the other.

Because there is always a 'copy' to file… which is why you can never completely trust Satan.

Now Lady Maccabeth claims there is a hate campaign being waged against her by the tabloids. True… few people like or trust her. Her outburst on GMTV yesterday drew further criticism from detractors who claim to have witnessed grief... but through a veil of 'crocodile tears'. [For further postings on crocodile tears see “Soham: Insincere grief”.]

It is certainly true that the mocking of the loss of one of her limbs ranks amongst the vilest media baiting in print... Remember here is a very attractive woman who - against all the odds - fought back from a horrifying and debilitating injury and walked taller and prouder on one leg than most people do on two.

In addition, here is the ‘lady’ who was extremely successful at highlighting the dangers of landmines. Who brought forth public awareness of various charities. Who down the years has revealed a dedication to challenging the war machine that was not just a scene-stealing celebrity moment (a one off) but a life’s calling. It is safe to say that she is not going to simply hobble away (no cruelty intended).

Heather Mills first met her future husband Sir Paul McCartney when she was a guest speaker at a charity event during which she spoke passionately and effectively. As a result, and in defiance of her critics, she bagged a national monument into the bargain. [The Beatles used to hang out in my aunties caff before they made it… but that’s another story.]

It was one of my aunts who, during an epileptic fit, collapsed and stumbled into a fire. By the time she was pulled out it was too late... her leg had to be amputated. This event changed her life. Always a happy-go-lucky woman she became withdrawn… Her husband ran off with another woman leaving her with three kids. In Liverpool, during the 60s, ridicule was no different - then or now it seems - and ‘Pegleg!’ was often screamed by way of what some people presumably thought was a joke – just like Heather.

Maybe it wasn't so much a joke but what they or she perceived as a weakness, but my auntie became isolated. Most of the time following her accident she spent lying on a sofa in the lounge in front of the telly or reading a book. She was eventually found on the sofa, life cut tragically short.

Did she take an overdose having been driven to 'the verge' or did she simply vomit and choke during another epileptic spell?

We shall never know... we just knew the pain was over

Anyway, it no longer matters. Life, in spite of a missing limbs, moves on… Which brings us back to Heather…

Heather lifted herself up from that sofa... She added a famous surname to her own… She refused absolutely to allow others to ‘steal’ her dignity and prior to her meeting and during her time with Sir Paul she displayed an incredible strength of will. Sadly however it was not just this that was absent in her GMTV ‘fight back’ yesterday and the criticism now directed at her (by a few people) is that she produced crocodile tears during the interview.

The above is something I feel able to comment on. I spent fourteen years working for one of the most prolific casting agencies in the movie business. Davis-Zimmerman Casting saw an enormous amount of talent pass through the revolving door of fame. Whilst many did not see the Hollywood sun set over their Spotlight page - the actors’ equivalent of Wall-Mart - a few did go on to become stars.

However, be that as it may, what I eventually discovered during this time is that insincerity is easily highlighted on the screen - mostly videotaped ‘auditions’ [which I still have locked away in my loft. So watch out Jude, Elizabeth, Uma, Hugh, Daniel etc!]And one thing is certain... insincerity on camera need not in itself suggest that a person is being deceitful or untrue to their emotions.

‘What’s my motivation?’ Dustin Hoffman once asked director John Schlesinger. ‘What were paying you, darling!’ came the riposte. [Actually, judging from the performances the majority of actors are now turning in this may be an industry standard.]

In fact, during my time in casting I quickly learnt that the ability to turn on the 'water taps' must rank amongst the most difficult and unnecessary manifestations of sadness/anger/hurt that an actor (unfairly usually women) need to display. [Note the emphasis.]

An observation that should come with the caveat: in the time allowed. Because no five-minute audition ever produced an Oscar. And the greatest difficulty for some actors to get their swollen heads around was that emotion does not come out of a vacuum, but builds. [An accomplished actor does it in stages.]

‘Build! Build! Build!’ Some got it. Many didn’t. And by no means was it only the most successful that ever did.

An actor doesn't just burst into tears s/he builds towards the moment. Often trying not to cry is more effective than trying. Grief builds. It shows in the body, the voice, the eyes, the voice, back to the eyes etc. But mostly it shows in the broken sentence of an unscripted speech.

NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO CRY THE BAD ACTOR SAYS. Of course... it never is... because emotion builds.

However yesterday on GMTV the emotion did not build. It started at the bottom and quickly jumped to the top. It was, as my ex and dear departed boss Noel Davis might say - himself a former accomplished actor- ‘More effing ham than Sainsbury’s!’ He might also have added, ‘She’s a regular See You Next Tuesday that one!’

But, like the part, Lady Maccabeth would not have got that either.

Exclusive: Tom Cruise

Set dressers on the new Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie returning after a weekend off received a bit of a shock... the Nazis had disappeared from Berlin.

Valkyrie is centered around the attempted assassination of Adolph Hitler, with Cruise in the role of Claus von Stauffenberg, later executed for attempting to kill the Fuhrer with two suitcase bombs in 1944. [We're not giving anything away as this is based on a real events. Hitler dies in the end, and the 1000-year Reich perished after just 12 years.)

An insider informed the beleaguered set dressers that the images of the Third Reich had not been stolen but were ordered down 'by some one on high'.

Apparently a wedding reception had taken place over the weekend in a hotel opposite the set. Searching for a bit of lebensraum the bride and groom accompanied by their entourage (all Jews) ambled out on to the terrace to take in all the sights Berlin had to offer.

Nein! Nein! Nein!

Greeted by their worst nightmare they fled back inside.

But the question on every one's lips is who succeeded in getting rid of the mighty Third Reich where von Stauffenberg failed?

The Big Retort can reveal that it was none other than much-maligned Cruise, a person forbidden to pursue his own religion in Germany where Scientology is banned.

Ist nicht rightig.

Vanished: Psychic cop

TheBigRetort strange but true series continues with a chilling tale of child abduction.

It also reads as a bizarre prequel to the mysterious disappearance of Madeleine McCann, and reveals a father's startling sixth sense.

Not too long ago, somewhere in the UK, a schoolchild inexplicably vanished off the face of the earth. As in the Algarve case, the girl disappeared mysteriously, without trace, leaving police and public totally perplexed.

However, fortunately, this did not turn out to be a smoke-and-mirrors investigation -or a whodunit leading nowhere - because there was a single witness.

Police say that's all it takes.

A man out walking his dog recalled seeing a white van going up and down a lane. He told police that it was constantly retracing its steps, almost as if the driver was searching for something.

Or should that be someone?

Police did not have much to go on but they realised that they may have a potential serious child abduction on their hands.

Unlike police in the McCann case they moved swiftly, and following strict procedures laid down in abduction cases they placed a large cordon around the area - every white van leaving and entering the zone was stopped. It was that simple.

But it was also to no avail...

Sadly... nothing was found of the missing girl, and another tragedy at the hands of a monster looked likely.

And yet...

Call it "Strange"... Call it "Otherworldly".... Call it "Divine intervention"

But in this tale of bogey men and missing children there are also additional "howevers" and it is what followed these that so interested TheBigRetort.

A policeman stood waiting at a road block on the outskirts of town in a lonely country lane. He had grown bored with the task that had been set him, but he too had a daughter of his own and so he knew how he would feel if she went missing...however.

He waited patiently...

Suddenly a white van approached. The driver seemed pleasant enough and eager to assist. He dutifully obliged the policeman by opening the van's rear doors… it was full of goods the driver was in the process of delivering.

The copper apologised and told him to be on his way…

And there the mysterious disappearance may have ended. But there was something… "other". Something that the cop could not explain, even to himself - then, or now.

Was it a presentment? Telepathy? Or the driver's body language? Whatever... an eerie feeling came over the policeman and for some inexplicable reason he knew one thing was certain: he could not let the van leave.

'Just a second, sir. I'd just like to take another look. If I may!' he said. The driver hesitated as he was about to climb behind the wheel, it was not a question... And once again he traced around the van to the doors.

'Open them,' the cop ordered as the driver hesitated.

Inside the van all seemed in order.

Be that as it may... despite the normality something was inexplicably drawing the policeman's attention towards the floor of the van and try as he might he could not put his finger on what it was.

He pulled back a carpet in the van... He saw the little body of a girl in a wheel well. The child, wrapped in another carpet, was bound and gagged… and fortunately still alive.

Finally, eerily, the policeman realised why he had inexplicably wanted to search the van... she was his daughter.