THE BIG RETORT

When HORACE SKINNER wandered through the unfinished building to play that Monday at No. 1 Hansler Road, south-east London, he did not realise that he had entered a house of horror - until he moved upstairs. In the backroom, in the centre of the floor... he saw her. The year was 1886... June... 9am. But the time and date had ceased to have any meaning to the woman: she was dead. "Fearful wound" ... "Evidence of struggle" ... the papers reported. "Horrible discovery near East Dulwich" the South London Observer headlined. Adding that her throat was cut in two places. And Scotland Yard also ticked 'foul play' on the to-investigate list. What unfolds comes from press cuttings of the time. Alongside birth, marriage and death records, and census returns covering the decades concerned, these make interesting reading... MR HARDY, a surgeon, examined the deceased. She lay in the centre of the floor. Her forehead was resting on her arm. Her features were n...

I've given up calling Plod. He does not tell me what constitutes an emergency - which the 999 system was set up for I know - but it's only when I dial all the Nines that he then tells me what doesn't. Dropped kerb parking is one that 'apparently and what if sir' - according to local police at Lewisham - doesn't. Many's the time I've had a car or skip parked on the driveway - the latter for building work - when some Mork or Mindy has pulled up and left their car blocking the driveway: effectively trapping mine in. Weird innit I know, but that's life in "Kool Britannia" or Londineum. 'Anyroad' (as me old mam might say by way of meaning 'anyway') the Romans would not put up with it... The 'route' of the problem One couple thought I was being unreasonable. They had blocked my skip in overnight... even though it was due to be exchanged for a new one. She screamed that I didn't know who I was messing 'wit'. He ...

The Parking and Traffic Appeals Service (PATAS) admitted today that a test case may be needed to ensure that justice for a driver is received - even though it ruled against it on appeal. Exclusive to TheBigRetort In a BigRetort exclusive, "John Paul Morgan -v- Transport for London (the Authority) sat yesterday at PATAS. The Appellant's concerns surrounded his right to halt in a junction box where traffic in front dictated. The Adjudicator Andrew Harman, representing PATAS wrote, "The adjudicator, having considered this appeal on the basis of written and personal evidence from the Appellant and written evidence from the Authority, has refused the appeal." The prohibition is set out in the Traffic Signs Regulations and General Directions 2002, Schedule 19, Part 2, Paragraph 7, in which it is claimed: '...no person shall cause a vehicle to enter the box junction so that the vehicle has to stop within the box junction due to the presence of stationary vehicles.'...

T he Morgan -v- Transport for London appeal took place today at PATAS (the Parking And Traffic Appeals Service). In a surprise move, adjudicator Andrew Harman dispensed with previous TfL 'evidence', and decided to consider video footage instead - made available by the Authority only after the fine was disputed. (See earlier post Lewisham Scam-Cam below.) But why should the adjudicator choose to decide the merits of the case on the video footage alone? Is it because the photograph TfL presented of the vehicle 'stopped' on the junction box was in fact a snap of a car moving ? The adjudicator claims he does not need to consider the still photograph - in effect evidence of wrongdoing or cock up by TfL - because video footage alone is (now) 'enough' evidence. But the video footage was not what TfL supplied in support of its case against me.... Despite this, the PATAS adjudicator was unable to reach his deliberations at the Hearing, and instead claimed that he needed...

My daughter is currently training to be a laptop dancer. There...I feel much better for the admission, however, I should elaborate. Besides being a mummy-daddy (it's a modern world) I like to sneak off between feeds and tantrums, prise open the laptop, run my fingers across old Qwerty and write about, well, pretty much anything really. I love to dilly, I love to dally...etc. Until a tiny pair of feet pin my fingers to the laptop keyboard."She's a handful," as my wife might say. Actually our daughter is a lap-top-full, but the the blame for this lies squarely with the BBC - and, chiefly, CBeebies . Bash! Thud! Thump! Not the sound of an episode of Batman and Robin but tiny feet kicking at the keyboard. Normally followed by that question that echoes in my mind way into deep sleep, "Can I do CBeebies"? "No!" "Why not...?" "I'm writing." "I want 'puter'. "Can't...it's mine, I'm writing. Puter mine....

Background Between August and November 1888 five gruesome murders were committed within one square mile of London's East End. Thought to be the work of one man press called him "Jack the Ripper". The hunt to find the East End slayer caused panic in London's Whitechapel district and became an international sensation: Who was he? Where did he come from? Who would he be 'down on' next? The victims Newspapers carried theories on the killer's identity but he was never found and the phantom vanished leaving his bloody deeds as a reminder of his evil presence. Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman, Elizabeth Stride, Catherine Eddowes, Mary Jane Kelly; the 'Canonical Five' (in this case generally accepted) victims of Jack the Ripper. Additional murders Some believe the Whitechapel phantom was responsible for thirteen additional (unsolved) murders but these are not listed under what is termed the canonical group. These victims, which stretch up to 1891, included ...

In a protest against congestion charges, naked commuters road into the nation's capital on Saturday - on bicycles. When asked by TheBigRetort what caused one male cyclist to rise that morning (he was on a lady's bike), he responded: 'TfL... It's taken the shirt off my back.' [Photo, Marie Accomiato]

[punch.co.uk]

UFO SEEN OVER ENGLAND...in 1795 It was nearly half past nine on the clock of a Tuesday evening when what was described as 'a body of fire of an uncommon size' passed over the town of Halifax... The craft headed 'nearly the line' south west, until it hit the zenith of Halifax, inexplicably changing direction, it then headed a few points from the north east to east. But what's so unusual about that? The years was 1795... The object's diameter appeared to be 'more than half that' of a full moon and its velocity was so rapid that it was doing 50 miles a second - or 18000mph! Certainly its speed was greater than any velocity achieved in that century, and those that followed. (At the time of the report apparently a coach and horses into London took several days.) The height of the extremely bright object must have been considerable as it passed through clouds, and illuminated those which it passed 'over'. (Great heights were also unachievable in that c...

It seems remarkable that Moscow troublemaker ALEXANDER LITVINENKO was murdered only shortly after becoming a British citizen. He was naturalised in October and poisoned at the beginning of November. But perhaps the biggest question is why this has not been picked up by the general media. Was someone in the Kremlin sending out a strong and ominous message? (Apparently Putin had always been jealous of Litvinenko's hair.) Or were other forces working to embarrass Moscow by waiting until Litvinenko became a 'Brit'? Answers may be found at the PRO - in about 100 years (or the Kremlin now). Perhaps though, as things happen these days, "Rendition Airways" may head East, and another spy may be due in from the cold.

Opening my mail today, I was surprised to receive a Penalty Charge Notice from my old chums TfL. This time the picture claimed to show my car at an entry point to London's Congestion Zone. (The picture shows the vehicle on an arrow that displays no "C" or other road markings. But is this 'evidence'?) Little did I realise that as I took the wrong exit on a roundabout, and headed along Newington Causeway instead of the New Kent Road, I was about to be 'mugged' by TfL - again. (See Lewisham Scam-Cam below...) The wrong exit error took a few seconds to correct... but too little too late, in Livingstone's London: "You are liable to purchase a Congestion Charge for any use of the Congestion Charging Zone, regardless of the duration." And being "unaware" is a defence that falls on deaf red ears. After all, as many of you realise by now, it's all about revenue. So have you been caught out by an overzealous TfL? Think the law has been ap...

These new anti-terror powers are worthy of Commons sense. S ome years back I was puzzled to see scores of uniformed police officers in body-protection armour and Dayglo jackets, accompanied by sniffer dogs, stopping, questioning and searching commuters as they exited a London tube station. The dogs were quite nice. It was their masters who were the Rottweilers. When I enquired abut the operation, a police officer quipped, "It's part of a strategy by Ken Livingstone and Transport for London.' When I pointed out that it seemed a bit over the top, he responded loudly, 'What are you - a bloody anarchist!" An attempt to photograph this quite visible - the police later claimed sensitive - operation led to my being questioned and detained at length (ten minutes) under... the Prevention of Terrorism Act. All this despite the fact that I was pushing a pram with my baby daughter inside, and despite the fact that I had asked an officer's permission ...

A remarkable story from the pages of history (which I am still tidying up, sorry) . The identity of a war hero revealed - ZENO [Reproduced with kind permission of Punch Ltd. http://www.punch.co.uk/ . For this and other subjects of interest see Steve Lewis's Mystery File at http://mysteryfile.com/blog/?p=260 .] speck speck speck speck [A sad postscript... Shortly after the article first appeared I was contacted by the Met Police. Death threats had been received by Gerald Lamarque's widow. (A name I did not include in the article, or contact phone number.) However, as a result of files held by me, a person related to Lamarque became the focus of the Met's attention. I do not know if the threats ceased following this, as the police invariably fail to acknowledge assistance rendered to them. See "Brockley Con Artist" for an example.]